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a dip into vic plume's coffee table book

foreword

The Plumfunny Pirate Magbook has been written and designed for people who like to laugh and for those who don’t like to laugh but need a laugh anyway. It can be browsed as a coffee table book, read in short bursts or taken as a holiday vacation by jumping in up to your neck and journeying away to a world where humour is king and queen is a rock band. Every part of ‘The Plumfunny Pirate Magbook’ is filled with humour except for this bit, and that’s only because it’s hard to be humorous when informing the reader that this book is full of humour except for one bit, and that’s a bit funny in itself! ‘The Plumfunny Pirate Magbook’ was nearly called ‘The Plumfunny Dunny Book’ because of the gentleness of the paper and the fact that you can sit down and read it for 30 seconds or for hours, although, if you find yourself in a toilet for hours we recommend you see a doctor... or a locksmith!

INDEX
Good Health
Dear John
Desidera-rah-rah
Chicken News
Drive
Boggy Creek Yacht Race


GOOD HEALTH
By A. Smoker

Good health is something sick people can’t seem to afford and hospitals are full of them. I have a sneaking suspicion that hospitals are breeding grounds for sick people and if you want to get sick, that would be a damn good place to go. I am getting sick of all these sick people in hospitals and I’ve never even been in one, which proves that sick people can make you sick. On the other hand, I was so sick on one occasion that I got better, proving that getting sick is sometimes a good way of feeling better, especially if you’re unwell. Healthy living is not an easy task. I was so healthy once I collapsed from exhaustion, proving that whether you’re well or unwell, drugs can do irreparable damage to my brain.

I would now like to look at Molecules who was a Greek God and part time wrestler for the W.W.F back in the old days. His over use of steroid abuse was not moderate enough to keep him restrained. One day he got so muscular he broke free from his own body, turned green and went into TV, but I’ve run out of time.

I bid you farewell and remember, if you poke it and prod it but it doesn’t move... don’t push it, it’s dead!


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‘DEAR JOHN’

I’ve had trouble deciding if we’re finished or not,
So I reasoned it out and here’s what I got.
We hardly have sex, neither evening nor morn’
And my weekend adventure, is mowing the lawn.
We haven’t got kids & you’re getting quite fat,
There’s no emotional ties since a truck hit the cat.
We’ve seen every DVD that the store has to manage,
And our avoidance for talking has caused retina damage.

When I woke up this morning and looked across the room,
Our doona was floating, like a hot air balloon.
I thought: Our love life is over,
Our sex life is dead,
It’s the start of the end… we’re farting in bed!


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DESIDERA-RAH-RAH

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE AND HASTE & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE WITH EARPLUGS. AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT SURRENDER, BE ON GOOD TERMS WITH ALL PERSONS. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH QUIETLY AND CLEARLY UNLESS YOU’RE IN A NIGHTCLUB. LISTEN TO OTHERS, EVEN THE DULL AND IGNORANT, BUT DON’T FORGET YOUR EARPLUGS. AVOID LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE PERSONS, THEY ARE GENERALLY LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE AND YOUR EARPLUGS PROBABLY WONT HELP YOU. IF YOU COMPARE YOURSELF WITH OTHERS YOU MAY BECOME VAIN AND BITTER, WHICH IS PROBABLY BETTER THAN DULL AND BORING OR LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE. ENJOY YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS AS WELL AS YOUR PLANS UNLESS YOU DON’T HAVE ANY, THEN I SUGGEST YOU TRY AND ENJOY THAT, IF NOT, YOU BETTER CHECK YOU’RE NOT DULL AND BORING, IF YOU FIND YOU ARE I SUGGEST YOU START COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHERS. EXERCISE CAUTION IN YOUR BUSINESS AFFAIRS, FOR THE WORLD IS FULL OF TRICKERY, BUT LET THIS NOT BLIND YOU TO WHAT VIRTUE THERE IS; MANY PERSONS STRIVE FOR HIGH IDEALS AND EVERYWHERE LIFE IS FULL OF HEROISM, EXCEPT OF COURSE IN BUSINESS. BE YOURSELF, UNLESS YOU’RE LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE OR DULL AND BORING, IN WHICH CASE MAYBE YOU SHOULD START COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHERS AGAIN. ESPECIALLY DO NOT FEIGN AFFECTION. NEITHER BE CYNICAL ABOUT LOVE, FOR IN THE FACE OF ALL ARIDITY AND DISENCHANTMENT, IT IS PERENNIAL AS THE GRASS… IF YOU CAN GET ANY! TAKE KINDLY THE COUNCIL OF YEARS, GRACEFULLY SURRENDER THE THINGS OF YOUTH, EG: NAKED WATER SKIING IN PUBLIC PLACES. NURTURE STRENGTH OF SPIRIT TO SHIELD YOU IN SUDDEN MISFORTUNE AND IF THAT DON’T WORK, HIT THE BOTTLE. DO NOT DISTRESS YOURSELF WITH IMAGININGS. MANY FEARS ARE BORN OF FATIGUE AND LONELINESS, SO IF YOU’RE FEELING THAT WAY TRY HAVING A GOOD SLEEP WITH SOMEONE, BUT DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR JUST IN CASE! BEYOND A WHOLESOME DISCIPLINE BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE, NO LESS THAN THE TREES AND THE STARS; YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE, UNLESS YOU’RE AT MY HOUSE THEN I SUGGEST IT’S TIME TO GO, ESPECIALLY IF THIS IS HANGING ON MY TOILET WALL! WHETHER OR NOT IT IS CLEAR TO YOU, NO DOUBT THE UNIVERSE IS UNFOLDING AS IT SHOULD... APPARENTLY? THEREFORE BE AT PEACE WITH GOD, WHATEVER YOU CONCEIVE HIM, HER OR IT TO BE, AND WHATEVER YOUR LABOURS AND ASPIRATIONS IN THE NOISY CONFUSION OF LIFE, KEEP PEACE WITH YOUR SOUL. WITH ALL ITS SHAM, DRUDGERY AND BROKEN DREAMS, IT IS STILL A BEAUTIFUL WORLD. BE CAREFUL. STRIVE TO BE HAPPY... IF NOT, SEE YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR, UNLESS YOU DON’T HAVE A FAMILY THEN I SUGGEST SEX.

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-CHICKEN NEWS-

-FOWL WEATHER EXPECTED-
Tomorrow’s weather should be fowl and feathery with winds verging on the sulphurous (i.e. Real, fairdinkum eggers) An expected top temperature should be expected.

-CHARGING CHOOKS-
MON SPAIN:
Battery hens could soon be replaced by solar powered hens in a cost saving exercise. The President of 'The Chickens Union', was obviously concerned, and when asked what he thought, replied, "cluck cluck b'kerk!!"

-SPORT-
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN:
Heavyweight boxer, ‘Chook Ahmed Chick.E’, won the WCF (World Chook Federation) title today, when his opponent, ‘Smokin' Cock Johnson’, hit the canvas in the third round.

"The feathers were really flying", said fight promoter, ‘Don Wing’. "It was an ugly fight, with way too much scratching and pecking", he said. "If this kind of thing is left to go unchecked, we could see a real tragedy, and no one wants to see a dead chicken, unless it's completely stuffed and roasted." ‘Chook Ahmed Chook.E's’, next fight will be against the formidable, 'King Cock', in Atlanta, next month. The match was cancelled last year, when strong winds blew both opponents into the local dog pound situated in a neighbouring state. Staff at the pound claimed they knew nothing of this, but insiders say they’ve been seen regularly, eating poached eggs at lunchtime.

-DELIVERY CHICKEN TAKES FLIGHT-
THUR: TOKYO JAPAN:
An announcement today, when backyard therapist and genetic chicken research scientist, Dr Shnoodle, created a 6-legged chicken. "It's great for the whole family," announced the suspect medico, “Now everyone in the family can have a drumstick!” When asked if the flavour had been affected due to genetic breeding, he replied, “I don't know, I haven't been able to catch it!”

-DARING CHICKENS CROSS ROAD-
Yesterday somewhere:
A recent traffic survey yesterday, released figures, that over 250 chickens die as a result of car fatalities, every year. Police Commissioner Fowler, stated today, that 'it was simply a case of careless driving'. When asked what should be done to curb this road toll, he replied sternly, "Don't let chickens drive!"

-UP UP AND AWAY-
FRIDAY HOUSTON USA:
Rocket scientists have produced a live chook (Chicken) shuttle that will travel into outer space, using its own excreta, to fuel its flight. Scientists were extremely excited but soon calmed down, when the alcohol and celebratory dancers, ran out. Asked when the first fowl would take off, Colonel O'MacDonald, replied, "As soon as we can get it to flap its wings harder!" Later tests proved a failure when the chicken excreta caught on fire, killing the Astro-Gastro-Chook. NASA scientists said they were very disappointed but were 'looking forward to a nice, roast chicken, later that night. Sadly, Colonel O'MacDonald died tragically later that day when he was run over by a hit and run driver, after leaving work. Police believe it may have been the father of the burnt Astro-Chook who was last seen almost taking flight as he fled the crime scene. Police are currently looking for a medium to family sized bird, wearing Adidas runners.

-MISS UNIVERSE ALL CLUCKY-
TUES: RIO DE JANEIRO:
The Annual 'Miss Chook Award', was given to Henrietta Farmer, yesterday. Miss Farmer, a duck from Venezuela, said she 'couldn't believe that an ugly duckling could grow up to be ‘Miss Chook', and that she owed it all to her plastic surgeon. She also spoke of wanting world peace and to marry, Robert Bantam, a rich cock from the United States. Miss Farmer said, "I'm basically a homely girl really, all I want to do, is lay Roberts eggs and cook him breakfast."

-OLD CHOOK FIRES UP-
An elderly old duck, who in fact was a chicken, was arrested today while attempting to fill her car with fuel at the shell service station on the corner of a road and another road. The unfortunate customer stumbled, causing the nozzle to spew fuel all over her arm. Moments later her mobile phone rang, causing the volatile liquid to ignite her arm.

An off duty policeman who saw the incident, immediately pulled into the service station and arrested her. Mrs Burns has been charged with carrying an illegal firearm.

-DEAR LEGHORN-
~Answers To Fowl Questions~

QUESTION 1
Miss E.G. Nog is 21 years old and writes, with a crayon... 'Dear horny, I am an unemployed battery hen from Sydney. My employer sacked me after 5 years of loyal laying. I never minded that he used to steal my bum nuts (Eggs) but as he was sacking me, he said that I was now an old boiler and of no use to him. This hurt me greatly and I didn’t hear from him anymore. Since he sacked me, his business has been going badly, and now, out of the blue, he's invited me around for dinner!
Do you think I should give him one last chance and go there for dinner?
ANSWER
No way!! Don't go! Like he said, you're an old boiler and more than likely, he'll be having chicken soup for dinner!!! Don't get burnt a second time!!!!!!

QUESTION 2
Mr C.luck is 35 and writes by pecking on a keyboard... 'Dear Horny, it's been 7 years since I last took a bird out on a date. I'm a security guard at a well-known, free-range chicken coop, situated next door to a zoo. Last week, work was pretty slow and while scratching around in the dirt, I noticed a hole in the zoo fence. I wandered in and before long I met a wonderful bird called Emma. She's really tall and gorgeous with beautiful, big, round eyes. The only problem is, Emma, is an Emu.

Her father is a right wing extremist and even though none of us are able to fly, he doesn't like different species getting married. I'm sure he likes me but his hatred of other birds is making it very difficult! What can I do?’
ANSWER Dear Mr C.Luck, the answer is quite simple. All you have to do is ask Emma to bring home a blackbird. Get the Blackbird to show off by flying all over the place, while whistling its eclectic range of music. The next day, get Emma to bring home a stuffed Dodo bird. Her father will be horrified by its extra lack of intelligence, as it sits staring at a plate of roast worms. On the 3rd day, get Emma to run straight to her bedroom with a wild shag. I think you'll find after the 3 days, her father won't mind having a small cock with a secure job, nesting, with his daughter.

Dear Leghorn...
Each week, Horny, answers selected readers questions.
Please send your questions to:

ADDRESS............
FAX....................
E-MAIL...............
ETC....................

Questions must be fewer than 80 words and may be edited for purposes of clarity or space. Please include your claw print, suburb and home state.


CHANCE BREAKFAST
Would you like the chance to win breakfast for two, on a tropical island? Two tickets for breakfast, on Chicken Island, are available for two people to have breakfast on the island of Chicken. The lucky duo, will receive a free breakfast for two, while staying on the island, named Chicken. In order to win a wonderful breakfast for two on Chicken Island, all you have to do, is not lose. Losers will not be eligible for a wonderful breakfast for two on chicken Island but will instead, be eligible, to not have breakfast on, the wonder filled, Chicken Island. If you would like to not win breakfast on chicken Island, all you have to do, is not try to win a breakfast for two, on Chicken Island. In that way you will win, by not winning a breakfast for two on Chicken Island, especially if you’re interested in not winning a breakfast for two.

*Any one who wins this wonderful breakfast for two on Chicken Island, will automatically be flown, to Chicken Island, by the Chicken Island ‘helicockter’, a giant, feathered helicopter which crashed on the island after the war. (Depending if they can dig it out of the sand). The ‘lucky’ pair will then sit down to a wonderful meal for two on the Island of Chicken, consisting of chicken and fried eggs, or, fried chicken and eggs (Menu depending).

After enjoying the winners breakfast, (Food poisoning depending) the lucky pair will be escorted from the island and made to swim back to the mainland because we can’t seem to get the ‘Helicockter’ out of the sand. In fact, it turned out to be an ostrich that escaped from the ‘Prehistoric Chicken’ enclosure, on the ass end of the island.

To enter this wonderful breakfast for two on ‘Chicken Island’, simply see your family doctor, unless you don’t have a family, in which case, grab a blow up rubber doll and start swimming!

*Expiry date on this competition ran out the same day the chickens escaped.
PS: Please send help! These crazy chicken people are keeping me here against my will. I don’t even like chickens, I mean, they’re alright but I wouldn’t want to win a breakfast for two on Chicken Island with them!

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DRIVE
By
Otto Mobeal

With the release of the all new Ford Mitsubishi Chevrolet Toyota Volkswagen BMW Volvo Jaguar Honda Holden Statesman Prelude’s all purpose, all vehicle, vehicle: there was nothing left to say that hasn’t been said before.

Its steering wheel is round and makes the car move from left to right but was unable to make it move in a forward motion, although it can be used to make it move in a straight line but you’ve gotta start the engine and engage the gears.

The mirrors are absolutely amazing and enable you to see right behind you, but as my wife was in the back, all I could see behind me was my wife applying make up in the backseat. My wife on the other hand could see behind and in front of her behind and on seeing my eyeballs in the mirror wanted to know how much I’d been smoking and/or drinking. Unfortunately the car doesn’t come with an ejection seat but it does have an inbuilt breathalyser ignition system made easily accessible in the dashboard and after getting a hitchhiker to help get the vehicle started, away we drove at high speed straight into a misplaced cafe.

After the waiter informed me that McDonalds was situated around the corner, I cancelled my order of fries & called the police on my mobile phone and informed them that ‘some dude’ had stolen the car. Unfortunately I was caught-out by the local police chief who was listening to my phone conversation while dining at an outside restaurant table, which was now situated inside the cafe, on top of my bonnet.

Next week I’ll be checking out the cornering capabilities and rear locking system of the latest police divisional wagon as I roll from side to side on the way to the courthouse while trying to pick the backdoor lock...

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THE BOGGY CREEK SEWERAGE FARM PRESENTS:

~THE BOGGY CREEK YACHT RACE~

Due To A Harsh Economic Climate And A Bad Smell We Just Can’t Get Rid Of, 'The Boggy Creek Sewerage Farm' Has Gone Into Receivership.

To Try And Retrieve Sinking Profits (Pardon The Pun) Boggy Creek Management Has Organized, ‘The Boggy Creek Yacht Race’, Which Will Be Held With Gloves On While Handing Out Nose Pegs To All Contenders Free Of Charge.

Tickets are available from the cubicle at the front of the gate.
Race time starts at half flush.
BYO drinks and air freshener.

Admiral Lou Stains, Who Will Be Representing Boggy Creek, Has Written A Poem (Below) To Celebrate The Aforementioned Event:

‘THE BOGGY CREEK YACHT RACE’
By Admiral Lou Stains

THE BOGGY CREEK YACHT RACE, WE ALL KNOW THE RISK!
IT'S FULL OF FAECES...AND FULL OF PISS.
CUT TO THE STARBOARD, CUT TO THE PORT,
THE SMELL ALONE...WILL LEAVE YOU BREATHING SHORT.
AHHH THE EXCITEMENT, AS YOU BREATHE IN THE STINK,
BUT NO ONE WILL HELP YOU, IF YOU FALL IN THE DRINK.
COS MONEY'S NOT AN ISSUE, IN THE MURKY BROWN MUCK.
EVEN THE NAVY, WOULD TELL YOU, TO GO AND GET F*#*#!!'

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